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Chapter 1: In Medieval Times
Twice upon a time, the land was filled with castles and knights in shining armor. Chivalry ruled, and dragons ravaged villages. It is during this time that our heroes make their appearance.
In the woods, a loud flinmping noise is heard. Two men stumble out of the trees. One is dressed in an outfit with all the colors of the rainbow swirled together in a designer’s ultimate clashing nightmare. The other man is a large, hulking behemoth with dull, brown clothes. The two stare at their surroundings, wondering where the #*!$ they are.
“Little One, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore,” Crazy Carl said.
“We weren’t in Kansas before,” Little One said.
“Quiet!” Crazy Carl yelled. He started hopping around the trees and sniffing them intently. “This place is unfamiliar to me.”
Little One lifted his head and took a few whiffs. “This place smells nice,” he said, smiling. “There’s no smog.”
“You’re right,” Carl said. “This place smells decidedly un-modern.”
The wheels started turning in their heads, though Little One’s moved kinda slow and Crazy Carl’s were sorta bent, and they gradually arrived at the one, inescapable conclusion that they had indeed landed on Mars.
Then they threw out that idea and realized instead that they were in medieval times.
“How did this happen?” Crazy Carl said. “I thought we set the controls specifically for the year 2462.”
“Oh,” Little One said, “the year two thousand four hundred sixty-two. My bad.”
A crazed smile crept up Carl’s face as his hands twitched uncontrollably. He turned to Little One with growing malice. “Little One!”
“Halt,” a female voice said. “It was I that brought you here.”
They turned and saw a beautiful woman with glowing silver hair, a pure, innocent complexion, and flowing white crystal shimmering robes. Her blue eyes were soft and relaxing. Everything about her spoke beauty and comfort.
“Who the bananas are you?” Crazy Carl said, jumping back in fright.
“She’s pretty,” Little One said, his mouth hanging open.
“I am the fairy queen,” the woman replied, “and I am in need of your assistance. I need you to-”
“Oh, no,” Crazy Carl said. “We’ve already had to face a pink tarrasque once; that’s enough doing good stuff for my entire life.”
“But this is dire,” the fairy queen said. “If you don’t return the Idol of Platanos to me, there will never be any more bananas!”
Crazy Carl gasped and clutched his heart. “What tragedy! If that happens, my plan to blow up the world will never succeed!”
“I like banana splits,” Little One said sadly.
“Then you must hurry,” the fairy queen said. She turned and pointed to a village not far away. “In the smallest room of the largest building you will find it, a glowing multicolored orb the size of your fist.”
Crazy Carl saluted her. “By all that is bananaish, I will do this task.”
Little One saluted, too. “God bless America.”
“Shut up and save the bananas,” Crazy Carl said.
So our two “heroes” quickly made their way towards the nearby village. Once there, they walked down the main thoroughfare, trying to locate the largest building. The strange duo elicited many strange stares from the villagers, but Crazy Carl and Little One were used to that sort of stuff.
“Excuse me,” said Crazy Carl to a pumpkin seller who was trying to avoid them, “could you possibly tell me where I may find the largest abode in this fair town?”
“What did you just say?” Little One asked in a whisper.
“It’s fancy talk,” Crazy Carl said. “I learned it once.”
The pumpkin seller tried to make excuses about other places he had to be and other things he had to do. “Now, listen,” Carl said, quickly exasperated. “If you don’t tell me where it is, I’ll blow you up.”
“…Blow up?” the pumpkin seller asked. “What doth that mean?”
“You know,” Crazy Carl replied, “blow up. Explode. Detonate. Blast into a million pieces. Huge fireball.” A pleasant expression came over his face. “Oh yeah, that’s what I’m talking about.”
“Of what strange magic do you speak?” the pumpkin seller asked.
Crazy Carl let out a growl, whipped his banana gun out of his pants, and fired at a nearby pumpkin. As soon as the banana hit the pumpkin, the pumpkin exploded and pumpkin mush flew everywhere. The pumpkin seller, now covered in orange and trembling violently, whimpered and fell to the ground.
“I repeat,” Crazy Carl said, holding his smoking banana gun.
The pumpkin seller raised a shaking hand and pointed at a building several blocks away. “The…the nunnery. That is…the largest building.”
“Thank you,” Crazy Carl said. He flashed a crazed smile, put his gun back in his pants, and proceeded towards the nunnery, Little One lumbering close behind.
“What do you think the nuns want with the Idol of…Whatever, Master?” Little One asked.
“I don’t know,” he replied, a serious expression on his face, “but it must be some insidious, horrendously evil scheme that only a nun could think of.” Then he giggled and did a backflip, just for the heck of it.
When they arrived at the nunnery, Crazy Carl contemplated their next move. “Now, we can’t just walk in,” he said.
“Why not?” Little One asked.
“Because it’s crazy,” Carl replied. Then the implications of what he just said hit his brain. “Well, let’s go.”
The two entered the nunnery and were immediately after two minutes stopped by three nuns. “Can we help you?” one asked.
“Yes,” Crazy Carl said. “We were…looking for the…” He tried to remember his fancy talk. “…that is to say…oh, forget it.” He whipped out his banana gun and aimed it at the nuns. “We’ve come to take back the Idol of Platanos.”
“Master, you can’t threaten them,” Little One said.
“Why not?” Crazy Carl asked, staring down his gun squarely at the nuns.
“Because ‘nun’ spelled backwards is ‘nun’,” Little One explained.
Carl lowered his gun slightly. “So?”
“That means they’re palindrones.”
“And palindrones are…?”
“They’re holy,” Little One said proudly.
Crazy Carl spent several seconds in deep thought. Then his brain hurt, so he decided that such a logical argument had to be correct. “Fine, then,” he said. “So, what do we do now?”
“We ask them politely to lead us to the Idle of Pancakes,” Little One said.
“Alright.” He turned to the nuns. “Take us to the Idol of Platanos…please.”
“What are you doing here?” a voice commanded from behind them.
Crazy Carl and Little One turned to see a tall, rather stern-looking nun standing there. “Excuse me,” Crazy Carl said, “who are you?”
“I am the Warrior Nun,” she answered, “and you are defiling this place. Leave immediately.”
“Or what?” Carl asked with a sneer.
“I’ll force you to become nuns,” Warrior Nun said.
“But nuns are girls,” Little One said.
A wicked smile spread on Warrior Nun’s face. Crazy Carl screamed and jumped back in fright. “Run, Little One!”
A strange chase ensued around the nunnery. People rushed from room to room, doors were slammed, birds flew in formation, a nun was kissed, and a chair mysteriously exploded and left behind a curious banana scent. Finally, Crazy Carl and Little One ducked into a broom closet.
“What are we going to do, Master?” Little One asked frantically.
“First, move your elbow!” Crazy Carl shouted. “This room is so small, we barely fit in here. This must be the smallest room in the whole building!”
Realization dawned on both of them. They turned slowly and looked at each other, and then started tearing around the room.
“I found it!” Little One cried. “I was stepping on it.” He held up a glowing, multicolored orb.
“Well, give it here!” Crazy Carl said, snatching it from Little One’s hands. “The Idol of Platanos! Now, all the bananas are saved.”
The door opened and Warrior Nun and her troop of nuns looked in at them. “There is no escape,” Warrior Nun said.
“Sure there is,” Crazy Carl said. “Through the wall, Little One!”
Little One crashed through the wall and out into the open. Crazy Carl jumped onto his back. “Run like the wind, Little One!”
“But the wind doesn’t have legs.”
“Shut up and move!”
Little One took off, carrying his master on his back. Warrior Nun followed them closely. “Halt!” she ordered. “You are stealing our sacred object!”
“I’m not stealing,” Crazy Carl called back. “I’m just storing it in a different location. And how can you run in a dress?”
“I’m talented,” she replied.
Little One kept running until he reached the hill where they left the fairy queen. Her face lit up when she saw them approaching. “Toss the Idol to me,” she called.
Little One obeyed, and the colorful orb flew through the air. She gracefully caught it, and then started laughing menacingly. Little One collapsed and lay on the ground, panting heavily. Crazy Carl jumped off and gave the fairy queen a quizzical look. Warrior Nun pulled up beside him.
“How could you have given our sacred object to our sworn enemy?” Warrior Nun asked furiously.
“To save the bananas,” Crazy Carl answered proudly.
Crazy Carl’s smile faded. He had the sinking feeling that he had done something wrong.
“You fool,” the fairy queen said. “I am not the fairy queen, and this is not the Idol of Platanos.”
“Then, who are you and what is it?” Crazy Carl asked.
“This is my power module,” she said, “and with it I can achieve my ultimate form. For, you see, this fairy queen guise was only to conceal from you my true identity.”
“Spit it out already!” Crazy Carl yelled, hopping up and down.
“All right.” The beautiful fairy exterior faded, revealing a small green humanoid creature with spinning antennae, big black eyes, and an I-Love-NY T-shirt.
“Squeemlithf!” Crazy Carl said, his word dripped in fury.
“Yes,” the alien said in his cute little alien voice, “and you foolishly delivered the source of my ultimate power right to me. Now, observe as I take the form that will spell your doom.”
Squeemlithf laughed and ate the power module. He continued laughing, and his cackling grew deeper as his body increased in proportion. His skin grew darker, fangs poked out of his mouth, and his T-shirt ripped under the strain of his enormous muscles.
“I am in so much trouble,” Crazy Carl said, staring at the snarling beast in front of him.
“Pick on me now, will you,” monster Squeemlithf said.
“I’m not sure what’s going on here,” Warrior Nun said, “but you have eaten our sacred object. For that, you must pay.”
She leapt at Squeemlithf and kicked him in the chest. The alien merely swung his arm and swatted her away as though she was a fly. Then he picked up Little One, who was still out of breath, and lifted him to his mouth.
“Master!” Little One called. “Save…me.”
“Save yourself,” Crazy Carl said. “I have to think of a way to defeat him. I must ensure that good overcomes evil, justice triumphs, hard work is rewarded, and that unselfish love always wins.”
“Why?” Little One asked.
“Because those are good fairy tale morals,” Crazy Carl replied. “If I didn’t stand for those, Fate would be against us.”
“Dang straight,” Fate said.
“But, Master,” Little One said, “remember…Squeemlithf’s one weakness.”
Crazy Carl thought for a second. “What’s that?”
“His love of New York,” Little One said. “He’s ripped his I-Love-NY T-shirt. He’ll have to buy another one.”
“You’re right,” Squeemlithf said, and popped away in a self-made time portal.
“I’m impressed,” Crazy Carl said as Little One fell to the ground and bounced twice. “You managed to deliver the source of Squeemlithf’s ultimate power right to him! I didn’t think you could get any stupider.”
“But didn’t I just save-”
“Never mind, Little One,” Crazy Carl said. “It’s okay. Now, let’s go back home.”
Crazy Carl and Little One stood in shock for a minute, as they realized that they were stranded in medieval times. Then two very firm hands landed on their shoulders.
“Hello, my new helpers,” Warrior Nun said.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” Crazy Carl screamed.
“Do we get health insurance?” Little One asked.
Meanwhile, in modern-day New York…
“That’s right, XXXXXL…yes, that’s five X’s…what do you mean you don’t make them that large? Look at these biceps; I need a large shirt!...listen, give me an XXXXXL shirt or I’ll eat you!...man, that tastes nasty.”
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Crazy Carl, Little One, and Squeemlithf are my creation and can only be used with my permission and proper handling.