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Note: Crazy Carl, Little One, and Squeemlithf were characters created by my high school improv group. A couple of previous performances are referenced here, but it's not necessary to have seen them in order to enjoy the story.
Curses, Robin, Foiled Again
By Cere and Kespir
(Crazy Carl, a loony, hopping man dressed in a clown outfit, and Little One, Carl’s enormous, hunchbacked underling, are walking along the street)
CRAZY CARL: Come, Little One, it is time to find our next diabolical plot.
LITTLE ONE: But, Master, I’m hungry.
CC: There’s no time for that, Little One. My plot to brainwash the patients at my counseling center has failed.
LO: Yeah, that was lots of fun. Whyyyyyyyyy Em Cee-
CC: STOP THAT SINGING!
LO: (abashed silence) Sorry, Master.
CC: Now, we must think of something else, preferably involving bananas.
LO: Why?
CC: Because I love bananas, you fool! You’ve been serving me for…however long you have…
LO: Three weeks.
CC: Thanks. And you’ve never even noticed my insane affinity for platanos?
LO: What’s those?
CC: It’s Spanish; don’t worry about it. Now-
LO: Master, watch out for that puddle!
CC: It’s just a freaking puddle, Little One. A little water never hurt (falls through the puddle) ahhhhhhhhhhh
LO: Master! (walks to puddle and looks into it) Where’d you go? (doesn’t find Carl) I’m coming, Master! (gracefully face-plants into the puddle)
(The two are screaming, falling down an endless tunnel of light and cheesecake. At last, they reach the end and land with a resounding splash on a marble floor.)
LO: (wading through the marble pit) Look, Master, I love marbles!
CC: (standing on the marbles) There’s no time for games, Little One. We need to figure out where we are.
LO: You’re just saying that because you know I’ll beat you.
CC: (menacing glare)
LO: (averts gaze) I’m sorry.
CC: (thwaps Little One) Now come, climb out of that marble pit and help me find the exit.
LO: Hey, Master, how come you’re not falling in?
CC: Because I’m talented. Let’s go!
(Crazy Carl drags Little One out of the marble pit by the ear. They travel down an endless hallway, but fall through the floor halfway there and land in a very, very small room covered with white padding.)
CC: This place looks strangely familiar.
BULL SHNIDER: Yeah, we get that a lot.
CC: (jumps onto the ceiling and hangs upside-down) Who are you?
BS: (A strange-smelling little man wearing a pair of rose colored sunglasses, electric blue pants, and a neon pink shirt.) I am the great, omniscient blind man.
LO: Big word makes my head hurt.
CC: (drops from ceiling and intently sniffs Shnider’s arm) You smell like bananas! I like you. Now, just where the heckle are we? And what is omnifirosis?
BS: You are at the end of time, the period when all the laws of physics are broken and burned into little tiny pieces, then fed to the purple elephant of doom. And omniscient means all knowing. I know everything, every piece of information ever created in the history of the universe, except for simple arithmetic.
LO: My head still hurts. (takes a bite out of the padding) Mmm, marshmallow.
SQUEEMLITHF: (falls through the ceiling) Diiiiiiieeeeebaaaaadooooooooooooooo *whump*
CC: A lot of strange stuff is happening here. (looks at Squeemlithf) Hey, I recognize you!
SQ: (A tiny green humanoid with glowing antennae, and “I love NY” T-shirt, and the cutest alien voice you ever heard.) Uh-oh.
CC: You betrayed me to the Men in Top Hats. I’m going to blow you up so much…
SQ: Help me! (hides behind Little One)
LO: I didn’t like the MiTH. They only fed me three times a day. And no snacks!
CC: Little One, get out of the way so I can blow up that treacherous alien. (starts to pull out his banana gun)
LO: Stop using big words!
BS: All of you, SHUT UP! (everyone freezes, Carl with his banana gun half-drawn and Squeemlithf tightly clutching his antennae) Thank you. Now, I will explain why you have been brought her: to save the end of time.
CC: Can’t I blow up the alien?
BS: No, not yet! You must stop the end of time from…ending.
SQ: …what?
LO: I understood that. Lots of small words.
CC: Does it involve blowing something up?
BS: …perhaps.
CC: I’ll do it! (puts his banana gun back in his pants)
SQ: Eh, why not?
LO: (eats more marshmallow wall)
BS: Okay, here is the plan. You must venture to the top of Mt. Hole-In-The-Ground, where you must slay the giant pink tarrasque.
CC: (smiles eagerly) So we can blow it up?
BS: Whatever it takes, but I must warn you. No one else has ever accomplished this feat. If you should slay the tarrasque, hell will freeze over, providing a support for the rest of the universe, allowing time to continue. Good luck! (pushes them onto the tapioca pudding floor panel)
(Our three heroes fall through and plummet down an endless tapioca tunnel, landing in the armpit of Mt. Hole-In-The-Ground. The incredible stench knocks them out. Five seconds later, they wake up to find themselves being dragged up Mt. Hole-In-The-Ground by something that looks remarkably like a pink sparrow.)
PINK TARRASQUE: I am the giant pink tarrasque.
SQ: Quick, kill it! (throws a nearby blowfish at the sparrow, which eats the whole thing in one gulp)
CC: Wow, did you see the jaw on that thing unhinge? It’s better than a snake! Can I keep it?
LO: I never get to have a pet.
CC: (thwaps Little One) Shut up. Now where did I put my explosives?
(Little One and Squeemlithf commence throwing random objects at the tarrasque, which eats every one and keeps dragging them, while Crazy Carl searches around in his pants for explosive devices.)
CC: Look, I found a nuclear bomb! We can use that.
SQ: N-n-n-n-n-not a good idea. Slight personal risk!
CC: You’re no fun. Now what’ll we do? Oh wait, that’s right! I keep plastic explosives in my left molar. (pulls out his left molar and tosses it at the tarrasque)
PT: (eats the volatile molar, then expands suddenly in a great rush and smoke and flame and shrinks back down to normal, completely unfazed)
CC: Wow! I really want one of those now!
(They reach the top of Mt. Hole-In-The-Ground. The tarrasque dumps them in a nest constructed of polymer and toe-nail clippings.)
LO: (takes a bite of the nest) This tastes surprisingly good.
SQ: Ewwwww!
PT: Now I eat you.
CC & SQ: (scream)
LO: (still eating nest) Mmmmmm.
CC: I don’t want one anymore!
SQ: Focus! We need to slay it. Let’s try logic!
CC: I was never good at that.
SQ: Then I’ll try. (addresses tarrasque) You say you’re a giant pink tarrasque, but you are not really giant. We are bigger than you are!
PT: I am bigger than regular tarrasques. Regular tarrasques so small, they haven’t been discovered yet.
SQ: Carl, it’s impervious to logic!
CC: We’re doomed!
LO: (walks up to tarrasque) I wonder what birdy tastes like. (grabs tarrasque and eats it)
CC: Little One! I wanted to blow it up!
LO: This doesn’t taste very good.
CC: Serves you right.
SQ: Does it feel cold to you?
CC: Never mind that. I want to blow something up! (takes out nuclear bomb and activates it) You’d better run!
(Our heroes make a dash for it. They get five feet away when the bomb explodes, making a temporal displacement that throws our heroes back into their own time.)
(Meanwhile, down in hell...)
DEVIL: Mom! Crank the thermostat!
DEVIL’S MOM: Put on a sweater and get over it!
What did you think? Your feedback is welcome! E-mail me at cere_8@hotmail.com
This idea was created entirely by me and Kespir. You cannot use Crazy Carl, Little One, or Squeemlithf without my permission.